Toughies

One of the great things about having the house where the boys  gather after school is that I'm learning information I never thought I'd be privy to. Mostly because I never realized that boys operate much like girls when it comes to crushes and feelings. At seven years old, most of these boys can identify their feelings and express their thoughts extremely well...presumably before society tells them it's not ok to cry, to hurt, to worry. After all, they are boys still. Not men, yet.


In our predominantly single mom community, M has befriended the one kid at the bus stop who still has both parents. My son's split time schedule between his dad and I is especially confusing to this boy, whom we'll call Z. When it's come up in front of his mother about how M will not be able to play since he's at his fathers, Z's mom has told me that Z often asks questions that can be rude and uncomfortable about divorce, and to never feel like I have to answer them.

I think I'm the queen of Rude and Uncomfortable Questions. Just come to work with me any given night. You'll know what I mean!

Today, as I was prepping the kid's healthy veggie snack after school, Z noticed a picture of M and his dad that I have on the fridge. This picture has gotten a lot of attention from people who've come over. Most don't understand why I have the picture there, so I'm used to explaining that this is M's home, too. His dad doesn't stop existing or being his dad the second he comes home. What's more, it's my favorite picture from a very happy time in all of our lives-M is just a baby, and it's his first time in the swimming pool at our home. His dad is holding him in the water, and they are both beaming. It's an amazing picture.

"When did you and M's dad get a divorce?" Z asked. And because I've never been one to shy away or lie...

"Well, we were never married. But his dad and I split up.."

"When I was almost three," M chimed in.

"Why?" Z looked puzzled.

"They weren't very nice to each other," M answered.

Z looked at me for confirmation. "We weren't very kind to each other, and it was making us terrible parents. Now that we're apart, we focus on M much more," I explained.

Z looked down, looked at the fridge, looked at the ceiling. "I think my parents are getting a divorce," he started, and then ran down the list of reasons why he could see his parents getting broken up soon.

So this is why he's asking, I deduced. I know I've only been child rearing for about eight years now, but I've always answered M's questions honestly, openly and as kid appropriately as possible. It's always paid off. Kids tend to ask questions about behaviors that confuse them and are relevant. I have a hard time glazing over the answers to these questions because I'd rather encourage them to reach out for help, to seek advice, to have a voice and feel comfortable with it. Sometimes people have problems with it, but as long as it helps the kids...

I came up with the best answer I could, explaining that it must be hard to have those feelings, and it's probably even a little bit scary. However, every parent's relationship is different-just because they might not be getting along, that's a normal part of relationships. It's not always lovey-dovey. Sometimes, it's a lot of work. No matter what, his parents love him and want what's best for his family. And there's nothing to be scared of. I doubt that his parents will split, but even if they do-he'll be just fine. M is just fine.


And he hugged me and thanked me, then ran off to play the Wii.

I'm still not sure if I overstepped my bounds-it is someone else's child-I hope I helped him see that even the "worst case scenario" sometimes isn't that bad...