The Pit

"Fear has its use, but cowardice has none..."  -Mahatma Ghandi

Alright. Let's get real. This post is going to feel like a wool sweater to me...but I have to get it out of my head and pour some things out of my heart. It's necessary. I can't go on any other way...

When I was 16, I joined a community theater project. I was the youngest cast member and it was so exciting to me, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Throughout my teenage years, I struggled with depression and self esteem issues and with this, I felt validated that I was good-truly good-at something. It was an outlet that introduced me to some wonderful people who helped me find Cydney. The show was mostly a comedy except for this one sad song nestled in the middle. As a cast, we struggled with it until the director (who was also writing the script) told us one rehearsal that truly funny people often struggle internally with the darker subjects in life. These words have helped me so many times during my journey. It's ok to feel the harder feelings... it helps you appreciate the good ones.

I don't know what did it this time. The last time I felt like this I was going through the beggining of my divorce. While at the doctors office for some complaint or another (turns out depression can make you physically hurt) the doctor asked about my husband and I lost it. Tears everywhere. I'm pretty sure it took her all of five seconds to diagnose me as depressed and write the script for an anti-depressant. I stayed on that for a solid six months or so while I worked through my feelings and issues (which took about half of that time, but anyone who's ever been on these medicines will tell you that the side affects and weening take much longer than you anticipate). This was 2010.

I've made it three solid years. I'm patting myself on the back.


Things are good this time, which is what is scaring me. M is well, getting good grades, healthy and making progress (so...postpartum depression, eight years after?). My business is running solid and smoothly. Money isn't so tight and goals are being met. My family is well. My relationship is the most healthy, stable one I've been involved in quite possibly ever. Seriously. Things are really well!

I have no idea why I feel like this. I recognize that I'm just looking for things to be distraught about. I'm taking positive things in my life and trying to find the bad side to them, which is the opposite of what I usually do. So really, I'm at a loss. A friend suggested the moon cycle, which I suppose isn't that outlandish... but I'm sad. Deeply. Like, could sleep for days, don't want to go outside, having trouble singing,  s.a.d. sad.

I'm missing people whom I've lost touch with. Starting in January, it felt like there's this campaign to make me realize I'm a terrible person. It's even different groups of people. After a while, you start wondering if they're right. I'm feeling like I've been run through the gutter with all of the stuff that's been posted about me online... that there are people out there who have never met me but truly believe that I'm a horrible person, or maybe they have met me and I'm now the scape goat for why their life fell apart (I cannot be that powerful. I refuse to accept that I am that powerful.) It's even more scary to me that there are people who I've tried desperately to be nice to who have said mean and hurtful things about me and-here's the real kicker-my child.

Going to funerals has made me think about things in a different way, and I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye and thank you to people who deserved my gratitude-I just didn't make it in time. I'm terrified that I'm going to start losing more people, even though I know it's inevitable and that's just how life goes. I'm scared to get close to them, though, because it will hurt more. Wait, I'm not sure if it will. Either way, I wish I could tell people to not die until I'm ready for them to go. Which would be never. That's not selfish, Cyd...

Your blog is nowhere to discuss your medical issues, but I will say this: I have every reason to be grateful. Two weeks ago, I was terrified. Alas, I am well.

And I get it. I truly do. I need to stop caring about what people think of me. But I listen because I feel like maybe there's constructive feedback nestled in there somewhere. I would love to be the best me possible and to make myself better. This isn't it, though. People are starting to notice that something is wrong.

Maybe I'm just grappling with change. Six months ago, I never would have thought this would be my life. While most (if not all) of these changes have been positive, maybe I'm just trying to get my feet under me again...

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give my dog a bath. I'm going to take a cat nap before I pack up for the weekend. I'm going to go surround myself for the next four days with people who make my world a much better place. I'm going to church tomorrow morning-I don't even care where. Maybe I'll try and convince my friend of male gender to go to the Red  Wings game tomorrow. I'm going to do my shows to perfection and not let anyone see past my makeup. And Monday, I'm going to help throw the best Memorial Day Party ever! (it's a big deal-we're getting our people together!!)
  
 And if I still feel like this on Tuesday, I'm calling the doctor.


Thank you for reading this. <3.

PS... To my friend, who sat on a bench and held me while I spilled my guts: I love you dearly, and I'm sorry for giving you this secret. It's more than one person deserves to have placed on their shoulders... please, don't feel like you have to keep it anymore. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. For listening, for understanding, for encouraging... you mean more to me than you'll ever know. <3

Things That Made Today GREAT!

So, about a week and a half ago, I lost my keys. Literally, all of my keys. I had to have the vehicle re-keyed because we couldn't locate a spare. I started using my son's house key so I could get into the apartment. The only keys I hadn't replaced were the laundry room and storage room key for my apartment and my mailbox key.

Today, I finally caught up with the maintenance man (his attendance is kind of spotty) and got my laundry room and storage room key replaced! Winning! This alone made today great!

What made it better (besides all three washers being available-SCORE!) is that once I got into the laundry room, hanging on the community cork board was... MY KEYS!!! The original set!!!! WITH MY MAILBOX KEY!!!

Which I kinda (not gonna lie) didn't want. Because...well, bills suck. Even if I can pay them. They make my money pile smaller, and I like bigger money piles.

With a mental drum roll, I unlocked the magic bill box to find... junk mail, junk mail, card, junk mail, card. Boy scout food drive bag.

No bills?! After a solid 9 days (that's eight mail days)... no bills!!!

One greeting card was a congratulations card from my insurance agent. That was kind of neat! I hadn't gotten a "Yay you own a business!" Card yet! That goes in the scrap book...

And the other card was a mother's day card from my son. He sent it from my sister's house the last time they watched him. I literally teared up. It meant so much to me.

Here I sit, doing laundry and hanging out with the dog, waiting for the kiddo to come home and planning a camping trip for my birthday. Life is so sweet...

First Response

Last night, I listened to my neighbor scream at and abuse the mother of his child. It was five minutes of me going from thinking I heard something to be able to hear word for word what was being said and understanding that the loud thump sound was her body hitting the wall. Instinctively, I changed from my pajamas into regular clothes and grabbed my cell phone and headed for the door. I got outside just in time to see him marching to his car. I just wanted to make sure he left, so I watched him squeal his tires. That's right, buddy. Go cool down, is what I wanted to think. It would be the rational, I've-never-been-through-this feeling... Instead I stood there, clenched fists, wanting to sock him in the back of his head and throw him around.

 I know I should have called the police, but it was over when he left. I was afraid it would make it worse for her. List reasons. I'm sure most of them would be correct to a certain extent. I'm writing this now wondering why the hell I didn't. Also, though, I know it wouldn't have changed anything. It just makes life harder.

Everyone says that desensitization is the what happens when you've been around something bad long enough. Maybe that's it. Obviously, I'm not going to inflict my own form of justice. That's just stupid. So basically, what we have here is inaction. I've done nothing to help this situation that I've just witnessed, and by passively sitting here, I've allowed it to happen again.

If I believed I was in charge of everyone's actions or that I actually had that big of an impact on their decision making skills, I'd totally think I'm a horrible person.

What I did do was knock on her door. I didn't know if she would answer but she did, holding her baby and sobbing. I asked if she was ok; told her not to worry about it when she apologized for the noise, and told her that if she needed anything, anything at all, to never ever hesitate to reach out. I told her that it's not a judgement thing-that I 'get' it, and she's more than welcome any time, day or night. That I was concerned for her and her kids. And that the things he said weren't true, even if I don't know you at all.

I'm crying writing this. Next time, I'll call 9-1-1, no hesitations. I talked to the maintenance man for the property and gave him a heads up in case of other noise complaints (the people here love to complain about noise). I'm baking muffins, and as soon as that slime of a man leaves, I'll take them over to her.

No matter how small I am, no matter what I can or cannot change. No matter where I've been or what I've done or what has happened to me... I can reach out to someone and let them know that they are not alone. We are all in this thing called life together, and I am-in every way, shape and form-very much right here.

Ugly Things

Someone posted a pic of a female comedian with a caption (that was quite funny and something I totally related to). Every *single* comment thereafter was negative, and not about what she said at all. They attacked her look, her mannerisms, her funniness quotient. And I'm sitting here upset for someone I don't even know. What is so threatening about a woman who decides to be funny instead of pretty, or in this case-both?! And when does being a public figure make it alright for people to just attack for no real reason at all? I keep being disappointed in the way people deal with things.... :( Everyone is someone's somebody. Would you like it if those things were said about yours?!

 The internet is a funny place. You can say whatever you want, good or bad. You can knee jerk response all over the place, and since everyone knows your best reactions are always in the heat of the moment, Captain Internet makes all of those words available for anyone to see, ever. Seriously. For.Ev.Er.

 Obviously, this hits a little close to home for me as of late. And that's cool. It was a necessary lesson to learn; my skin needed a little thickening. I can guarantee you that I survived, that I'm well, and that I'm actually better off for it. As much negativity was floating around out there, you should see some of the positive things as well. I hope everyone has people in their lives who step up and support them privately. It literally means the world to me when someone reaches out to me. I don't know if I would have been this appreciative a month ago.

 I know I can get a little hippie-ish in my wants for peace and everyone to get along. I also know that the adversity I've faced throughout my life has made me capable of handling what comes my way. The cliches are nice to hear, like when someone tells me that the only reason people lash out like that is because they feel threatened? That's pretty cool. It beats the hell out of me actually thinking I am a terrible person! My mother always told me I was a force to be reckoned with (I think she was the first one to figure it out, actually. I've been told this a lot of times along the way!). So, yay!? Except it's never EVER been my intent to be this powerful person who should be feared or acknowledged out of fear. Honestly, I wish everyone understood that. I never try to tear people down. I refuse to live like that... I think we all can be successful and be the best people we are capable of being! So, what's to feel threatened by, exactly?

Ideally, though, people would stop attacking what they don't understand. One of my goals as of late is to take time to understand a situation as much as I can. See the angles of it. Appreciate the opposing side's views and reasoning. Consider if I am, in fact, wrong. Grow. Isn't the goal always to grow?

At the end of the day, maybe this is part of that woman's journey. Maybe it's good to see ugly things written about yourself. Consider and conclude, change what you must. Grow. I just hope she has people in her life as awesome as the people in mine. <3