74

Whenever I want something fiercely, I tend to get scared of it. It's a Cydney Truth. Then I come around and take all of the little small steps one by one. Right now, it's been turning in a multitude of paperwork on a place I hope to buy. It's not much, and I won't have bragging rights other than "It's mine"... but I want it so badly I can taste it.

It seems like the demands have been never ending. There was the paper work, the employment verification. I know it's all things that need to be done, and every one of them has given me an opportunity to procrastinate. Because if I don't pursue this, I cannot get turned down, and will not be disappointed. I am still expecting disappointment.

Right now, everything I can do is done. My fate rests in the hands of a guy in an office somewhere who will have a decision for me in one to two days. I can feel an ulcer forming right now specifically for this event. I want to take this guy and tell him what a huge difference this will make for my son and I; how this step is a much needed and necessary for my growth as a person and as a mother of a little boy. I want to tell him what an asset I'll be to his community by taking something that is currently an eyesore and making it a beautiful home. Somehow, I need this person to know that I have taken extra steps to ensure that my future there would be beneficial...

I feel like I will be living a panic attack for the next two days. I don't do well with "wait and see".

Getting it out

When did life get so complicated?

 Of course, I've been walking around with my head in the clouds for the past month or so, but whoa. I came down to take a look around, and now all I want to do is stick my head back up there!

It's time for me to take care of me. There has to be some balance here, because the way things are blowing up is insane.

What's going on in my life: I put an offer in on a mobile home that I will most likely be embarrassed to live in, until I fix it up. Yep. This is my dream place right now since it is close to my sons school, the thruway and will allow me to have my dog for less than I'd be paying in rent. Plus it has a completely functional retro '60's era stove and DOUBLE OVEN! Hello, dream kitchen! Plus a yard, even if it is small. All of the things it needs done I could do myself with little help from the males I know, and-bonus-after I worked out a budget, it's possible to have everything done (including new siding) by June of 2013. And it will be mine :)

As such, I'm looking for a second job to do while my son's in school this year. Only because I dropped the hair job last year in January, and by March I was going bananas trying to figure out something to do. With the extra income I could make from working some menial job during school hours, I could pay my car payment and do one major repair to my mobile home a month. Plus I will have less time to sit around and think about whatever it is I think about (ok, mostly play on the internet) and I will be meeting new people and having interaction... which I need to make me happy. (Inalienable truth about myself, right there. Interacting with people makes me happy.)

Oh yeah, I'd have to pull a down payment out of my butt as well. Good times! So, trying to pick up as many shifts as I can now, basically.

On top of moving, not knowing where I'm going for sure, trying to amass a sum of money bigger than first months rent + security deposit and looking for part time work....

Well, I feel like the ground is moving underneath my feet, for sure. I've always ran with it, but I'm trying to make better decisions for mine and my son's sake. He's watching me and learning behaviors that he will carry on into his life, and I'm trying so hard to make sure that I'm setting a great example. He's been with me for the past 12 days and it's been heaven! We've camped, gone to the water park a billion times, hiked, biked... but I'm also realizing how my new life without a built in babysitter will be so different. So I'm trying to reconcile that, as well.

It feels like everything is so unstable and I just keep trying to hold on to whatever I can get a grip on long enough to think I'm making a difference, or even that I have any say. I'm forgetting that in a lot of these cases, I'm up to someone else's whims and decisions. The mobile home is contingent upon a lot of things, and I've done as much as I could at this time. Job hunting is going fine, but it's hard when you have your kid with you. Most likely, my Wednesday will be dedicated to finding part time work so I can have some fluidity in my budget. And that breaks my heart to say I'm waiting for my son to go to his dads, but I've spent every waking minute (less my 6 hour work shifts) with him making memories and doing things, being fully present. As much as I love it, I'm not taking care of things that I need to take care of so that I can take better care of him. Enter working Mommy guilt, stage left.

When this happens-when all the parts of my life converge to form a tidal wave that feels like I need to be pulled under-I over think the things that are going fine. In my need to try to have a handle on anything, I'll reassess everything. I almost think it's my escape at this point. It's dysfunctional, and my energies would be so much better spent doing other things-like cleaning out my junk, selling what I don't need, donating what can't be sold. I am forever bad at facing my problems head on. I'm also 28. Time to effing learn!

This too shall pass, right?

Wide Awake

One of his old friends warned him about me.

"Hey, are you sure about this girl? I mean, you guys are just starting to get big...are you sure she's not just after you because of that?"

The first time he told me this, I literally laughed out loud. Mostly because this was said before him and I even became a couple, officially. I was still waging the war in my head over whether or not I wanted to be involved with someone who would be away for weeks and months at a time. My relationship style has never been the kind that wanted or even remotely liked the idea of so much time apart, that's for sure.

How I managed to look past it, I have no idea. I think I got caught up in the moments we were spending together (seemed like every free one we had), or maybe I just kept pushing it out of my mind because it wasn't here yet. Maybe my brain chose a "flight" response of just ignoring it altogether.

In any event, the day came when I was being faced with the fact that he was not just my boyfriend who played bass and I needed to turn it around, or else I was going to flounder. He is a bass player who is my boyfriend.

It took about three people all saying the same things to me before the reality of the situation finally sunk in: he was going to be gone, a lot. Sure there would be times I could come with him, or travel to see him-but they will not be often. My bass player is on a fast track to a lifestyle I can't even imagine, but it's a lifestyle he's always dreamed of having. How do you reconcile that?!

Forget the groupies (yeah, I'm not worried) or the partying (he knows his limits, he's a smart chap) or...well, whatever else there would be to worry about. My mind flashes to the fact that we've only known each other for such a short time...can we sustain this? Mostly, can I sustain this?!

I've always imagined that I'd find the guy I was meant to be with and that we'd be perfect together. We'd understand each other on every level, be ok with being together even if we weren't talking. We'd have the same ideas on religion and family and kids and moving... and then I'd roll him up and fit him into my life in just the way that I wanted him to be there! And he'd be perfectly ok with this, by the way. He'd love every minute of it!

For him to live out his dream, I have to abandon a chunk of mine. Not that that's a bad thing, since apparently, the particular chunk kinda involves me totally steam rolling the poor guy!

It kind of feels like being a kid at the candy store and getting told that you have to go home and save up your allowance before you can buy the 87 pound chocolate bicycle. Also-that once you get the chocolate bicycle, you are not going to go home and devour it in one sitting. You're going to have to space that shit out.

Yep. I just made that analogy. You're welcome, honey, for making you an 87 pound chocolate bicycle!

In any event, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It just amplifies a very big flaw that I've always had as far as my perception of relationships go. Just because everything is going fine, I expect that nothing will deviate from my perfect little plan. That is impossible. It might very well be the reason why some of my better relationships have failed. Of course, if the one thing that happens to be an unexpected wrench in the plan is completely unlivable, I feel I have the right to run like hell. However, this "wrench" isn't a wrench at all. It's a part of him. At no point does he ever say that he will achieve great success and leave me in the dirt-it's just the opposite. He talks of the future, about how we would work out the logistics of road time. He actively puts me in his plans (swoon). He tells me things that make me melt, and kinda feel bad-like the fact that when he's gone, he's going to be missing me just as much as I'll be missing him.

In him, I have everything I've ever wanted in a guy. The way he treats me and my son is incredible. He loves me to no end and has no issue expressing it. All I have to do is accept that my chocolate bicycle won't always be here next to me.

So I started a tradition and made him something to take with him when he left to record his album. I listen to his music when I miss him, or wear one of his band tees around. I give away promo CDs to people who ask questions, and tell them what an amazing group this is. We text, we talk. He sends pictures of the awesome things he's seeing, explains the process of recording and does random little things to make me melt, a thousand miles away. I live my life, take my son camping, go turbo on getting some work done. And what do you know, it's surprisingly easy. I become un-opposed to it; I'm learning to appreciate it.

In this way, this relationship is exactly what I need. I know I'm not done growing yet...but I also know I love this person in a way I can't even begin to comprehend sometimes. The more he's away from me equals the more successful he is, professionally speaking. And quite frankly, I am so happy and proud to be the girl holding down the fort for him when he comes back!

Delta

Ooops.

And that's all we can say about that. Except it wasn't really an oops. Don't get me wrong, it definitely wasn't a calculated risk; maybe a calculated indiscretion? Perhaps the best way to put it would be a mildly considered decision?

In any event...

That morning was the best conversation I had ever had in my life with another human being. Things were said that I had never opened up to anyone about, and mostly because he was opening up to me about his experiences, which had been strangely similar. Neither of us could say anything without the other identifying personally with it. We discussed, debated, talked, felt... it was a conversation you'd pay to have, just to connect with someone on every level. He walked me to my car, kissed me goodbye and then watched me as I drove off. I couldn't help feeling strangely elated. My life is so planned, so calculated...from one move to the next, I know where I'm going. This wasn't that. This felt out of my hands, out of my firm grasp on everything. It was illogical, nonsensical to be any type of committed to this person. However, it was completely blasphemous not to be with this person. If there was anything I knew then that I know still, it's that we were meant to cross paths. None of this has ever felt pushed by either one of us. It's like being along for some ride, knowing you have a really great person in the seat next to you. I guess I figured I'd do better to stop trying to figure out what the ride was or where it was going and just be grateful to have a wonderful cart mate.

The deal felt signed, sealed and delivered after we went hiking one day. I took him to the place I had broken my tailbone about three weeks prior and we hiked a gorge. It was his first time experiencing hiking in that form, and we soaked it in together. It thrilled me to be with someone who liked to take his time, slow down and stare at the walls of the gorge in appreciation. We found a 50 foot waterfall and decided to climb it together, except we never considered that when we got to the top, we'd have to get back down again. We opted not to, and hiked our way back to the car. Of course we got lost about a dozen times, but we never stopped talking, agreeing, sharing... I told him I didn't want to get involved with a musician because I was sure once he recorded his album, we'd be over. He encouraged me not to write him off based on that-he wasn't like that. He didn't want to have something disposable, or be something disposable.

That was my first indication that we were really getting into something. Two days later, on my birthday, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Saying "no" wasn't even an option.

I could fast track you through the relationship, but it's ours and I don't like sharing *everything*. There are things meant for him and I, and I'm wise enough to know that our relationship-the ins and outs of it-those are ours. He wins me over every day by the things he does and says.  Or the way that, when I start getting worried about things, he reassures me. I honestly looked at him one day like, what the hell are we doing? His answer, in short: building something. We are definitely building something over here! It's like Fort Knox!

And please, it has not been all easy going and smooth sailing. It never is, and to think we have that would be asinine. It just has never felt like work to keep us together. Again, we're just doing what feels like should be done. Our pace. Our timeline. Now that we are together, being apart doesn't even seem like an option. Thankfully, we're both really ok with that!

Maybe by now you're wondering why I'm writing these. It's my labor of love for the guy whom I've grown so fond of. It's to establish the relationship we have, the ease of it, the feel of it. The names of these posts have been sleep related-Delta is REM sleep, or the deepest sleep you have where your body does it's repairs of the day. If you have a dream during Delta Sleep, you will wake up and remember it.

I dream all the time. My bass player...he doesn't remember them so well.

I feel I need to be responsible in my writing to let you know why the next post feels so devastating to me. I'm working myself up to write down some truths that I am just getting around to accepting, and then share them with the class. I need you, reader, to know that the love we have is intense and real and hard-earned.

The thing about saying you're unbreakable is that it encourages the fates to try harder...

Evensong

I saw him the first night I had a karaoke show there. Someone had put in a song request for a guy with a nickname, and I was left to guess who the guy was. Standing in the dart room with long, curly dark hair, I figured he was the kind of guy who would have a nickname and I approached him.

"Hey! Are you by any chance {nickname}?" I ventured.

"Fuck You, no!" Ok, so obviously I had offended him. I might've raised an eyebrow or two, but I definitely did an about face and headed to my next guess.

From then on, I just kinda ignored him. I was in a relationship and I don't tend to look around when I'm in that situation.

Then he started showing up at the end of my shows. He asked if he could help me carry my equipment to my car, and stated that he was in a band, so he knew how to handle it.

"Everyone's in a fucking band. Please don't touch my shit." These are the first words he remembers hearing out of my mouth. He obviously had every right to come to the conclusion that I was a mega-bitch.

He still showed up, though. He still offered. Sometimes, he tried to insist. "Lemme carry your equipment!" he'd almost beg. I nicknamed him "Lemme" after a group of his friends came to a show one night. Once I saw he had friends and people, he didn't seem so scary.

The relationship I had been in had tanked. Hell, even my rebound had tanked. One night, feeling less than stellar, I decided to get a little extra glammed up. I wore a corset top and a strapless bra, but had one issue: due to weight loss, the bra didn't necessarily fit properly. So I redneck-remedied it with packaging tape. By the way, this method? Not very highly recommended. That crap pulls! And crinkles.

Like usual, Lemme showed up at the end of my show-except this time, I was glad to let him assist! As we were carrying speakers to my car, he heard my chest make a crinkling sound...and I told him why-that I had packaging taped myself inside my bra.

"That is NOT fucking ok," he said, seriously. "Nobody deserves to be taped! Why would you do that to yourself?!"

After we finished getting the equipment loaded, we sat on the bench outside of the bar where I had just finished my show. Lemme had a name. Lemme was a bass player in the house band for the same bar, and his band had just signed a record deal. Lemme said I was beautiful and needed to get comfortable, STAT. Lemme gave me permission to feel ok in my skin and complimented the hell out of me when we had (very G ratedly) gotten the packaging tape off! (Nothing sexual, not even remotely. It was definitely more Judd Apatow than Shakespeare In Love!) We went into the bar and kept talking. The bar closed, and I still didn't want to stop talking with this guy. Of course, it was nothing romantic or sexual-I really thought he could be a great person to know and put him square in the friend zone. Otherwise, I would have never grabbed a Lotto scan tron sheet and written my number on it and handed it to him. I would've worried too much about looking needy, or coming off too strong...

There was nothing about this that screamed at me about him other than: I really enjoyed talking to him.

I had a text before I got home. A couple of messages were exchanged, but nothing serious or even remotely innuendo-filled.

Lemme was going to be a friend, of this I knew. We had a lot of the same ideas and though processes, and we smiled and laughed at the same twisted humor. On the bench, it was nice to finally talk to someone who understood gigs and shows and equipment. There were so many things I could have picked up on. In fact, a mutual friend who was outside for a part of this exchange later told us that he knew that night that we were on to something-that something was happening between us. Me? I knew Lemme was a bass player about to take off. This single mama had just had her heart run through a gamut. Lemme was not a safe bet-he was the wild card, and I'd had enough of them, thank you. Great friend potential- but completely out of the question as far as romance.

Before we left the bench, Lemme did offer that if I was ever not safe to drive home, I was more than welcome to his bed, since he lived two doors down. He promised he'd sleep on the couch or that he'd be the best platonic bed buddy ever. I appreciated the offer, but really never anticipated needing to use it. If I drink two glasses of wine, that's one too many for me! I take precaution and am very responsible... why would I ever need a place to land?

Six days later, so much would change.

I didn't know, how could I know? I always believed you could choose how you felt about someone. Lemme has been my wake-up call that sometimes, there's a bigger plan. I'm grateful I'm a part of his.

Changeling

A year ago, I took stock of my life and my decisions. What I realized what how some of the choices I was making were born of complete indifference to me. This had crept into every single part of my life: from my work to my relationships, I was ignoring my true self and maintaining relationships that existed because I was scared to let them go. Even if they were hurting me, I'd stay-because I was afraid nothing would ever be so good.

Then something happened: I experienced a major change in careers. I ended a long term serious relationship on the grounds that I wanted more. Every time I took a leap, I was greeted by a gentle pat on the back for it. And no, it hasn't been easy, but you better believe it's been worth every damn tear.

Most people wait for New Year's Eve or their birthdays to make these adjustments. I have no idea why mine seem to come around this time of year, but after a solid 28 trips around the sun, I'm starting to question myself less and trust myself more.

Right now, it's got everything to do with attitude.

My strongest argument in Nature vs. Nurture is that I am, when given the opportunity, inherently optimistic. I love life! Want to believe the best of everybody! I have energy to spare and nobody (I mean nobody) dances around the house singing into a hairbrush like I do! However, I was brought up by a very negative person, and sometimes...(I'm not proud of this)... it shows. I get discouraged easily or I run when things get tough. I am a world class closer-offer! That? That's learned, I'm afraid.

So it stands to reason that I can un-learn it, right?

This years goal is to reprogram my way of thinking. For instance: It's not a problem. It's a challenge. And at this juncture, I have encountered enough really interesting things that I'm pretty sure there's a tool in my coping toolbox for....well, anything.

Wouldn't it be nice to be calm and centered? If we made every decision from a well thought out place instead of merely reacting? What if those decisions could come from a place of love and good will, and general peaceful wishes? The world would be a much different place!

I know, it's getting pretty hippie-dippie over here... but I'm tired of feeling depleted constantly. It's time for a change, and the only thing I can truly change is my attitude :)

Hello, Laaaaadddiiieeesssss!

Girls! Girls, girls girls. I've found the secret.

For many moons, I've watched my single friends struggle with this issue. We, as girls, are always waiting for our Prince Charming to come and sweep us off our feet. He is going to be tall, dark and Hawt as all effin' hell, and he's going to see us in our struggle to find completion in another person and ride in on his white horse and whisk you away. He'll be your soul mate! He'll have always wanted the same kind of house, the same number of children in the same gender birth order (boy, girl, boy) and the same kind of dog as us! Or he'll be a cat person, because "cats make you work harder to gain their affection, and I like working hard to make other living things like me". He will be perfect and love you because you're not! He'll think your flaws are adorable little quirks, put there to make you more interesting and intriguing. Oh, and if you ever call yourself fat, he'd tell you, "no, I like my girls to have some curves! Baby, you're perfect!" and you could take him to all the nude beaches in the world and he'd never ogle the playboy bunnies.

And then reality, or maybe "Online Dating" sinks in. And you realize you'd be lucky to get anyone with any freakin' goals at all to like you, let alone love you.

Which usually happens around the time that you are starting to want to get married and have a family. Because up until that point, you're young and you think that the options are endless and that guys are a dime a dozen and when you're ready, you'll find exactly the right guy for you.

Ah. Wouldn't that be nice?

The reality is that we age, we mature and progress and realize that timing can be everything. The guy who's right for you might be bugged by everything you do. Or married to someone else.

If there were a flow chart option here, you'd recognize that we do one of two things: We settle, or-much more interesting and challenging-we learn to play "the game".

I am here to tell you that, if Marriage and babies are your goal, you can achieve them quite simply. All you have to do is vehemently advocate that you are anti-marriage and anti-babies. Hand to God. Because men are hunters by nature, which means they freakin' love the challenge of a good game. They want to outsmart you and convince you to succumb, even if they never really wanted the same things at all! Just tell them you break out into hives at the very sound of the "wedding marche" and they will start picking out your engagement ring.

Now, you must do this convincingly. For instance, I-already married and divorced-honestly once broke out into a cold sweat when a guy I was seeing wanted me to meet his mother. Why? Because that meant that it must be quasi-serious. In fact, most serious things make me freak right the hell out, and thankfully, I've landed a guy who gets that. The idea of forever absolutely terrifies me!! I've explained it, so I won't keep going there. But you must believe that you don't want to be married. Otherwise, you're being manipulative, and guys can smell that from a mile away.

Maybe you've been trying to "The Secret" your way into happily ever after. Good news! The Universe doesn't understand negatives. So even if you put out there that you Don't want to get married, the Universe is going to cross out the Don't. So you Want to get married. See? Win-win!

By the way, nothing is more off-putting than need. And yes, when you want something so bad it hurts, it becomes a need.

In the end, I don't think game playing is the way to go any more that I think you should get married to get married, or because you feel like he's the only guy who will love you. I truly believe that the pieces will fall into place when the timing is right, and that whomever you're meant to be with? Well, they're coming to you as fast as they can. We all have a list of things to accomplish (whether we know it or not) before we meet our person.

But if you do meet 'em? Feel free to tell them you're never getting married. I swear, this will work.