There was this internet meme that I saw a little bit ago, and I copied it and posted it (like everywhere) because I identified so freakin' hard with it. It was simple, a black background with a simple quote on it: "I'm aware of everything, I just don't comment on the bull shit".
So true.
Call it the high road, or grace, or courtesy or manners or integrity. Whatever label you give it, it's still an awful big pill to swallow. Sometimes, I want to scream, post, shout and rant about how I feel about a certain situation. Especially if the other party is being loud about it. I just want to have a voice, to feel like I am not passive... Less victimized...
But, that's not how it goes. I don't get physical with my anger. I don't blab all over facebook and I'm way too busy being a mom and a girlfriend and a business person to leak any of my angry thoughts anywhere else. Besides, it's not who I am. It's not what I'm about. I want to make this world a better place, to spread cheer and to genuinely connect with people. How could I do that if I were trying to vindicate myself of something that everyone might not know? So most of the time, I just bite my tongue and say, in my head, in my angry voice...
"Suck it, high road."
It still hurts, though. I understand that sometimes, my actions aren't clearly understood. I don't think anyone's nailing it 100% of the time. I am human, imperfectly meandering through this life trying to sort things out every now and then. I stumble less than I did five years ago though! I make my decisions knowing full well the consequences and guess what? Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it all blows up in my face no matter how well-intentioned I was. That's when I learn who my friends are-and I have some really *great* friends. Seriously... they blow me away.
I guess I have to remember that sometimes it's like a storm. I can't control the wind, what direction it blows or how hard the gusts are. But if you plant your feet and use shelter when it's available, you start to understand that screaming into the wind won't make it blow any less. Is it fun? Not really. Sometimes, it's fun to watch if you have the right mindset on the right day, I guess. It's more about holding strong in what you know to be true; knowing that no matter how hard or strong the storm rages, no storm rages forever, and no wind can change who you truly are to what it wants you to be (at least not without your consent). It's enjoying the peace when it's over, even if it's just the eye. And there is some satisfaction in knowing that you can walk away after all is said and done with your head high...
This is the one place where everyone can still read my thoughts. I'm not censored or hidden by privacy protection. Strangely enough, it's the one place I put my really deep personal thoughts, also (probably a design flaw on my part...). The high road is hard, not very well traveled and exhausting at times. So I think, for a while, at least while the storm rages, I'll stay inside where it's warm and play with my babies...love my guy... hang some more pictures on the walls and iron some more shirts... and if you're reading this, and you're one of the "storms" in my life... know that it's ok. You're being heard. I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you get past whatever it is that still trips you up about me... and if you're looking for a fight, I've never been one to scream at the wind. I'm too busy, it's too pointless, and I'll still be right here doing what I need to do when you realize I'm not out to get anyone. Life's too short, people, and this girl doesn't waste a minute of hers on hate. <3
