Perspective

I've been eluding to the fact that there seems to be a lot of drama in my life right now. Last night, it felt like a few things had come to a head. Three different situations ended up with me getting yelled at for things I could not possibly control. Alcohol was involved. Emotions were flaring. While my night ended perfectly for me (I am well cared for), I was at a loss for what to do when I woke up this morning to texts and fall out...

So I grabbed a notebook and started writing. This is what I do. It's cathartic and wonderful, and even if nobody reads my words, they are no longer trapped inside of me. In that way, I'm free...

I was finishing my second or third piece about something or another when the kids came home from school. M and Z rushed into the door, dropping back packs and discarding their coats in record time. As usual, I asked how their day was and was bombarded by a completely different set of problems.

While on the playground, Z was tackled by the class bully who proceeded to pull out a pair of scissors or a pocket knife and cut his shoelace.

Focus. There's a kid on the playground with sharp things in his pocket.

He's using them to intimidate(?) or threaten(?) the boys.

Thank you that nobody is hurt, I silently pray.

I need to call the teacher, is my next thought.

Which of course is what I did. We had a great constructive conversation and discussed what would be happening tomorrow for this bully kid and what the teacher will do for my son and his friend to make them feel safe again.

This is a real problem. Kids. On playgrounds. With sharp things= Real Problem.

The stuff last night? Cake walk.

A wise woman who teaches me many things makes a great point about feelings: Feelings can make us believe that we should act a certain way or do certain things...but they are fluid! Feelings change! Sometimes in a heartbeat, other times with space and distance. Letting a feeling dictate your behavior seems silly once you realize this. The consequences to your actions being fueled by your emotions will be around far longer than the actual feeling, more often than not. Feel them, yes. Experience them and learn what you need to from them, but let them go and never give them enough power to control you. I'm trying to remember this in my daily life and it's helped me make better choices. As an adult, we figure we've worked through this by now. That just doesn't seem to be the case. I struggled with it immensely...having someone bring that one fact to light has made a huge difference! For my friends, the people I love, for the people I'm trying to love... I wish they could see that last paragraph.

This issue with the kids forces me to put down my notebook and pen and focus on what's really important.

Popular Opinion

What happens when a sticky situation becomes your reality? What if it took a severe reputation beating for you to have what makes you happy?

I suppose that many people tell astronauts that they are crazy for pursuing a dangerous dream just to float among the stars…

It’s kinda like that. Ok, maybe not as extreme… but there are two events in my life that are inevitably hitting the spotlight that will challenge peoples ideas and feelings about me… and the only thing I’m struggling with regarding both events for is that reason alone. People are going to leave Team Cyd.

I’m still choosing to go forth with both instances. I believe they are right choices, divinely guided and born of hard work and dedication. I’m being given a gift. I’ve walked through my hell and this is me coming out on the other side-I truly feel right about both of these choices…

Even if they’re not the “popular opinion”.  

A good friend got me thinking about this last night. They, of course, have decided to not care what people will think. I feel like I can trust this person’s opinion since they have walked a very severe plank to be able to stand by my side. It’s inspiring to look at their path and what obstacles they’re facing and know that they feel the same way as I do: it’s for the best reasons. They have it significantly harder than because this situation has altered every facet of their life. And they still want it. I’m blessed and grateful; humble enough to know that all I have to do is accept that I cannot please everyone all of the time. I need to stop living for the popular opinion and enjoy the moment!!!

It makes me think.... Whatever your truth is, sometimes living in it and owning it doesn’t make you the most popular person. Living your truth and owning it fully far outweighs the consequences, though. The people who are about to fall by the wayside obviously aren’t my friends anyways. The ones who support me (even if they don’t agree with my decision)-those are the ones I want around me for life.

So, big things happening in the next couple of months, I feel. This astronaut is already on cloud nine…. 

Peace!

It seems like I'm supposed to learn to stop being upset. This past month has been so interesting to me. There's been all of these situations that I've felt so helpless about and it seems like my go-to method of coping is to get upset. Anxious. To try to think through or analyze the situation until I can wrap my head around what's happening.

Instead, the message I'm getting lately is this: some things are not meant for you to understand. Some concepts are too big to grasp at the moment they're being presented. If you know this, you can find peace in it.

Lately I've been recognizing these patterns with relationships in my life. I'll feel like I'm being wronged at the exact moment I realize how I'm wronging someone else. It's a strange type of awareness. In 2/3 of the situations, my actions were not necessarily the cause of the affect (if that makes sense). Obviously, when your actions are the cause you can address them. Make amends if possible. If not it can kind of feel like you're kind of the un-innocent bystander. None of my actions would have changed either of the outcomes. In one situation, I was hurt. In the other, I  benefit greatly. Same mirrored situation-nothing I can do to change either case. How interesting is that, that a full circle moment comes around within a time period where it's impossible to ignore?!

So, I'm listening. My heart is open, my mind is attentive. I've known for quite some time that "What's meant to be will be"... it's a different type of awareness when you understand that the plan is not always your own and adopt a mindset of peaceful acceptance.