Friends

"I am so frustrated right now...let's get one thing straight. I do not need more friends. I love people, I love talking to them, learning from them, sharing ideas... Some people I get along with way better than others. But none of these people would tell inaccurate information or downright lie about me. This doesn't make you a friend. It makes you someone to whom I'll smile and say hi, but you'll never have a real conversation with me again. I don't give people chances to know me very often-the ones that do should feel special, since it's really difficult for me to open up. Betray that, though, and all bets are off. I'm so upset right now..."

I wanted to make this a status update on facebook when I realized how much my own Karma was being reflected at me.

It's been a really interesting week for myself with relationships. Single me is forming new relationships with people who are so diverse and interesting, it's really an awesome thing. It's given me the chance to meet some really great people and exercise my ability to open up and share, which is something I find more difficult to do but have been getting extremely rewarded for. The depth and quality of the people in my life is becoming a thing for which I'm extremely grateful. There's so much to learn from them, and I'm learning how to say no, and yes, and tell people what I need and expect and am willing to give.

And then something happens where my computer blows up with messages because a drunken person has told people inaccurate information (that's the best way to word it and still give them the benefit of the doubt) that has hurt people. Here I am in the center of something where I've done *nothing* wrong. I've behaved appropriately and respectfully with integrity in the situation and to be rewarded, someone has downright used me to start trouble.

I'm sitting here hurt and confused and lost, since I've shared a significant portion of myself with this person who has offended me. I've opened up and shared and welcomed them into my home even.

I don't have an explanation which is probably one of the more confusing parts of the equation. This person didn't stand to benefit from the spreading of the misinformation.

It's all navigational skills...

And then I realize that this is very much similar to something that happened this past weekend.

I hurt someone, albeit unintentionally. It was someone whom I had worked very hard to become friends with. To make matters worse, this person was professionally supportive of me and had helped me gain enough confidence in myself so that I could do what I needed to. They were there for me, encouraging me, helping me get outside of myself and take myself less seriously. The Garfield to my Odie. I said something I shouldn't have said to a person I shouldn't have said it to, and I hurt my friend. I wish I had navigated the situation differently. I wish it hadn't looked as shady as it did, or like I stood to benefit from it. I wish I had more experience in this-my intent wasn't bad, but it was severely misguided.

We work so hard to foster these new relationships. We build foundations and pray that it won't get us hurt or into trouble...but we forget that people are capable of miscalculations and errors. We're not always the most logical beasts roaming the planet when emotions get mixed in...

That's why we forgive. Address the situation. Ask for clarification. Was it a mistake? Was it just alcohol? Is someone else lying about the someone who might've been un-truthful? We make our decisions and determine if we're willing to risk it with this person again, and either way, we note the lesson learned.

Whether we're the ones learning it or teaching it, we make corrections and we move on...

Progress

Someone  told me recently that it takes three years to truly know someone.

Three.

This is an insanely interesting thought to me, considering that most people think that if you're not married by year three, you're doing something wrong. Most of the relationships I see around me go something like this: Meet Mr./Ms. Awesome; see each other; date each other; move in together around the 1 year mark; engaged around 1-2 years, and married by year three.

But you don't really know the person yet.

If you think about it, how long do you spend in a relationship before the person gets to see your real you? I mean, the one that doesn't do dishes before he comes over, or has been known to get the mail while coloring her roots? Personally, I'd be embarrassed if someone saw any of that happening much before the six month mark. But that's how I live! Am I trying to hide the real me? No, but I am trying to let you meet her slowly...

Which means that it definitely takes a man more than six months to know me...

I think the best bet is to start off as friends first. The only time this happened with me was with my son's father. Him and I were great friends for about four months before I even considered becoming something more with him. While the relationship was tumultuous at times, we are still friends. All in all, we have an amazing son, the ability to co-parent, and we're always there to help each other out. Took a long time to get this way, but I've known him now since I was 18. That's almost 11 years.

I definitely wouldn't marry him, though. Honestly, I think it took us probably about four years before I really felt I knew him. By then, we already had a child and a home and were engaged. I felt very strongly about not wanting to marry him, though. That told me a lot.

When I did get married, it was to a man whom I'd met nine *months* prior to our wedding day.

We lasted nine months married. Since we didn't live together before the wedding, it only took me two weeks of cohabitation with him to realize how wrong I had been about his character. Heartbreaking.

It's only after this most recent relationship ending that I really sat down and thought about it: I haven't been single since I was 17. Longer than that, really. There's always been a "next", and I never took the time to grieve. I've been so afraid of ending up alone or worse, ending up cold and bitter and jaded that I just jump into the next relationship. This cannot happen any longer. While I don't intend on living my life alone or pushing suitors away, I do need time to figure out who the hell I am, who I want to be and what I want out of a partner. I need to not only have my list of things to look for, but also know what I cannot accept or deal with. I need to figure out how to still be my happy self in a relationship-independent of the relationship, not reliant on it for my fulfillment.

And now three years doesn't sound long enough...

This is My Assertive Voice

Once upon a time, there was a DJ. She delighted in her job and socializing with the crowds at the places she would host karaoke. In fact, talking to different people about different things made her night feel less like work and more like socializing, and she loved it. There was always the chance that she would learn something new: a new place to hike, a new viral video about to go big on YouTube...

I'm still her.  I live for our chats at shows-you all teach me a lot! You broaden my horizon and sometimes, my way of thinking about something. I love talking about music or outdoor activities...skiing absolutely fascinates me! Sticks on your feet and then down a hill!? Tell me more! Where can I learn? Who's the best instructors? Where's the best beginners trails?! How about hiking, or my goal to hike all of Hi-Tor this coming summer. Let's discuss the campgrounds you took your family to-which ones your kids liked best....where I'd need a tent, or where I should splurge on a cabin, because the bears are braver...

Let's talk about dancing. Movies. Places to go to dinner. All of these things matter now-I have free time, and people are starting to ask me to go places with them. This past year, I was introduced to Improv in a big way....that would've never happened if someone in the crowd didn't take the time to talk to me about it. Now, I consider myself an avid fan and go to shows most Saturday nights before my own. It's a great pick me up in the final stretch of my "work week", and I'm a happier person after every Improv show.

Tell me your crazy theories on the universe, or energy, or spirituality. As long as you're not pulling me away from the job and understand that I have to change music and adjust levels, yes! Let's talk!

But please. Stop talking to me about the Bass Player. Stop treating me like I'm hurt or wounded or an emotionally injured person right now. I'm wearing make up and pretty clothes. I've done my hair and put on perfume and jewelry. I'm fine. I'm fine enough to do my job, anyway. When I am not fine is when you want to talk to me about his Jade plant, or what you see him doing, or how you think he's feeling. When I'm not ok is when you tell me how happy we looked and how much he told you he loved me. You weren't there when he looked me in the eyes and said he wasn't sure he ever loved me at all. You cannot possibly know how much it hurts when you tell me about the conversation you had 24 hours prior to him telling me that, when he told you how wonderful of a girl I was and how he hoped I'd keep him forever. I know you might be trying to figure out what happened, and I am, too. I know we looked happy and that there was a great love between us and now it's confusing that it ended. I get it. You're lost about this. I am, too. I can assure you that I'm dealing with it, that I'm sorting it out the best I can. It's almost been a month, now. The shock should be wearing off. I'm trying to move on, and you can help by helping me leave him in my past.

If I wanted to know how he was doing or vise versa, him and I would be talking.

Instead of telling me how sorry you are for me, hug your person closer. Realize the one thing that this has taught me the most: Love the person you're with like they might not be around tomorrow. You never know. Life is strange and scary and love is no exception to that rule. Be kind to each other. Treat each other as if you want to keep each other-we can all walk away; changes of the heart can happen in less than 24 hours. 

I'm glad we had this talk. Now, go google a good joke so you can tell me it the next time we see each other :)

I love you all.

Toughies

One of the great things about having the house where the boys  gather after school is that I'm learning information I never thought I'd be privy to. Mostly because I never realized that boys operate much like girls when it comes to crushes and feelings. At seven years old, most of these boys can identify their feelings and express their thoughts extremely well...presumably before society tells them it's not ok to cry, to hurt, to worry. After all, they are boys still. Not men, yet.


In our predominantly single mom community, M has befriended the one kid at the bus stop who still has both parents. My son's split time schedule between his dad and I is especially confusing to this boy, whom we'll call Z. When it's come up in front of his mother about how M will not be able to play since he's at his fathers, Z's mom has told me that Z often asks questions that can be rude and uncomfortable about divorce, and to never feel like I have to answer them.

I think I'm the queen of Rude and Uncomfortable Questions. Just come to work with me any given night. You'll know what I mean!

Today, as I was prepping the kid's healthy veggie snack after school, Z noticed a picture of M and his dad that I have on the fridge. This picture has gotten a lot of attention from people who've come over. Most don't understand why I have the picture there, so I'm used to explaining that this is M's home, too. His dad doesn't stop existing or being his dad the second he comes home. What's more, it's my favorite picture from a very happy time in all of our lives-M is just a baby, and it's his first time in the swimming pool at our home. His dad is holding him in the water, and they are both beaming. It's an amazing picture.

"When did you and M's dad get a divorce?" Z asked. And because I've never been one to shy away or lie...

"Well, we were never married. But his dad and I split up.."

"When I was almost three," M chimed in.

"Why?" Z looked puzzled.

"They weren't very nice to each other," M answered.

Z looked at me for confirmation. "We weren't very kind to each other, and it was making us terrible parents. Now that we're apart, we focus on M much more," I explained.

Z looked down, looked at the fridge, looked at the ceiling. "I think my parents are getting a divorce," he started, and then ran down the list of reasons why he could see his parents getting broken up soon.

So this is why he's asking, I deduced. I know I've only been child rearing for about eight years now, but I've always answered M's questions honestly, openly and as kid appropriately as possible. It's always paid off. Kids tend to ask questions about behaviors that confuse them and are relevant. I have a hard time glazing over the answers to these questions because I'd rather encourage them to reach out for help, to seek advice, to have a voice and feel comfortable with it. Sometimes people have problems with it, but as long as it helps the kids...

I came up with the best answer I could, explaining that it must be hard to have those feelings, and it's probably even a little bit scary. However, every parent's relationship is different-just because they might not be getting along, that's a normal part of relationships. It's not always lovey-dovey. Sometimes, it's a lot of work. No matter what, his parents love him and want what's best for his family. And there's nothing to be scared of. I doubt that his parents will split, but even if they do-he'll be just fine. M is just fine.


And he hugged me and thanked me, then ran off to play the Wii.

I'm still not sure if I overstepped my bounds-it is someone else's child-I hope I helped him see that even the "worst case scenario" sometimes isn't that bad...

Purple

Group Meditation, round one.

Today's thought of focus was: "Who are you, truly."

I got comfortable on the floor and sat legs crossed and closed my eyes. I relaxed myself and let my mind journey inward and saw my heart, opening like a locket. Inside were all of the things I was striving to be, all of the things I truly want to send from my core. In one compartment, there was the helpful and willingness parts of my soul. They looked like trinkets, shiny, dangling like pendants on gold metal chains. I could hold them in my mind's hand, feel their weight and importance to my soul. I put them back carefully.

There was the leadership compartment of my heart; how I feel compelled to lead, like I've been given this position in my life to lead others to their best selves, or a more happier, peaceful place.

The core of my heart was my mother role. How I have nurtured my son, how I can better develop in that role and raise him to be a man of good will, peace and secure in his spirituality.

And then I saw the ugly compartments. The planning and the expectations I hold to avoid disappointments by myself and others. I saw how I create paths for people unwittingly on either my or their part, and how controlling that is, and how it leads to the resentment I feel sometimes when things don't go "my way". Like a key unlocking a lock, the gears in my heart started to click internally, to glide along each other and guide me.

One word: Accept.

Without acceptance, every notion is contrived. I need to release those ugly parts to be free to be my best self. I need to look them square in the face and say that there's no room in my life anymore for these thoughts and behaviors, and I need to release them. For me to achieve what I would like to in this life, for me to find peace within myself and be able to help others, I needed to roll this ugly in a ball and set it free from me. No more expectations mis-labled as hope. What will be will be. What is, is. The truth is non-negotiable and absolute.

Just then, it was like a dark curtain falling over me. Slowly, radiating from the middle, were deep purple pixels that turned into a screen of purple. I found my truth. I'm on the right path.

What a great session. I cannot wait for next week :)

Keys

Grab your coat, put it on. Ok. Shoes? Check. Purse? Packed and on my arm. Where am I going? Let's Google the address really quick on my phone before I leave the house. Oh! Don't forget your keys hanging on the key rack! Got the address in case it's not in the GPS... let's make sure the door is locked...oh look! The new neighbor! Go say "hi"!

My new neighbor (ok, her grandmother) was having troubles with getting the door unlocked, so I ran over to help her. And shut the door in the process. Without putting my keys in my pocket first. DUH.

In the end, I couldn't help the grandmother because the lock seems to be broken. I couldn't help but think as I was playing with the key in the lock how lucky my new neighbor was to have someone so close to give her spare keys to. You could just call up and say, "Hey! Locked myself out! Can you come over?" and five minutes later, boom. You're in.

It wasn't until I was walking away to my car that I noticed I'd left my keys in my apartment.

Two steps after that, I remembered the plan I had put in place.

When the break up happened, I got my spare sets to both my car and my apartment from the bass player. I really had no idea what to do with either, so I put the spares to my house in the car and the spare to my car in my house. I figured as long as I had a valet key on me, I'd be fine.

Yesterday, I proved myself right. Not gonna lie, there was a certain satisfaction in knowing that I could get myself out of the situation faster than I could have phoned a friend, hoped that they were available, and waited for their arrival.

I'll be just fine :)