Perspective

I've been eluding to the fact that there seems to be a lot of drama in my life right now. Last night, it felt like a few things had come to a head. Three different situations ended up with me getting yelled at for things I could not possibly control. Alcohol was involved. Emotions were flaring. While my night ended perfectly for me (I am well cared for), I was at a loss for what to do when I woke up this morning to texts and fall out...

So I grabbed a notebook and started writing. This is what I do. It's cathartic and wonderful, and even if nobody reads my words, they are no longer trapped inside of me. In that way, I'm free...

I was finishing my second or third piece about something or another when the kids came home from school. M and Z rushed into the door, dropping back packs and discarding their coats in record time. As usual, I asked how their day was and was bombarded by a completely different set of problems.

While on the playground, Z was tackled by the class bully who proceeded to pull out a pair of scissors or a pocket knife and cut his shoelace.

Focus. There's a kid on the playground with sharp things in his pocket.

He's using them to intimidate(?) or threaten(?) the boys.

Thank you that nobody is hurt, I silently pray.

I need to call the teacher, is my next thought.

Which of course is what I did. We had a great constructive conversation and discussed what would be happening tomorrow for this bully kid and what the teacher will do for my son and his friend to make them feel safe again.

This is a real problem. Kids. On playgrounds. With sharp things= Real Problem.

The stuff last night? Cake walk.

A wise woman who teaches me many things makes a great point about feelings: Feelings can make us believe that we should act a certain way or do certain things...but they are fluid! Feelings change! Sometimes in a heartbeat, other times with space and distance. Letting a feeling dictate your behavior seems silly once you realize this. The consequences to your actions being fueled by your emotions will be around far longer than the actual feeling, more often than not. Feel them, yes. Experience them and learn what you need to from them, but let them go and never give them enough power to control you. I'm trying to remember this in my daily life and it's helped me make better choices. As an adult, we figure we've worked through this by now. That just doesn't seem to be the case. I struggled with it immensely...having someone bring that one fact to light has made a huge difference! For my friends, the people I love, for the people I'm trying to love... I wish they could see that last paragraph.

This issue with the kids forces me to put down my notebook and pen and focus on what's really important.