Wide Awake

One of his old friends warned him about me.

"Hey, are you sure about this girl? I mean, you guys are just starting to get big...are you sure she's not just after you because of that?"

The first time he told me this, I literally laughed out loud. Mostly because this was said before him and I even became a couple, officially. I was still waging the war in my head over whether or not I wanted to be involved with someone who would be away for weeks and months at a time. My relationship style has never been the kind that wanted or even remotely liked the idea of so much time apart, that's for sure.

How I managed to look past it, I have no idea. I think I got caught up in the moments we were spending together (seemed like every free one we had), or maybe I just kept pushing it out of my mind because it wasn't here yet. Maybe my brain chose a "flight" response of just ignoring it altogether.

In any event, the day came when I was being faced with the fact that he was not just my boyfriend who played bass and I needed to turn it around, or else I was going to flounder. He is a bass player who is my boyfriend.

It took about three people all saying the same things to me before the reality of the situation finally sunk in: he was going to be gone, a lot. Sure there would be times I could come with him, or travel to see him-but they will not be often. My bass player is on a fast track to a lifestyle I can't even imagine, but it's a lifestyle he's always dreamed of having. How do you reconcile that?!

Forget the groupies (yeah, I'm not worried) or the partying (he knows his limits, he's a smart chap) or...well, whatever else there would be to worry about. My mind flashes to the fact that we've only known each other for such a short time...can we sustain this? Mostly, can I sustain this?!

I've always imagined that I'd find the guy I was meant to be with and that we'd be perfect together. We'd understand each other on every level, be ok with being together even if we weren't talking. We'd have the same ideas on religion and family and kids and moving... and then I'd roll him up and fit him into my life in just the way that I wanted him to be there! And he'd be perfectly ok with this, by the way. He'd love every minute of it!

For him to live out his dream, I have to abandon a chunk of mine. Not that that's a bad thing, since apparently, the particular chunk kinda involves me totally steam rolling the poor guy!

It kind of feels like being a kid at the candy store and getting told that you have to go home and save up your allowance before you can buy the 87 pound chocolate bicycle. Also-that once you get the chocolate bicycle, you are not going to go home and devour it in one sitting. You're going to have to space that shit out.

Yep. I just made that analogy. You're welcome, honey, for making you an 87 pound chocolate bicycle!

In any event, it's not necessarily a bad thing. It just amplifies a very big flaw that I've always had as far as my perception of relationships go. Just because everything is going fine, I expect that nothing will deviate from my perfect little plan. That is impossible. It might very well be the reason why some of my better relationships have failed. Of course, if the one thing that happens to be an unexpected wrench in the plan is completely unlivable, I feel I have the right to run like hell. However, this "wrench" isn't a wrench at all. It's a part of him. At no point does he ever say that he will achieve great success and leave me in the dirt-it's just the opposite. He talks of the future, about how we would work out the logistics of road time. He actively puts me in his plans (swoon). He tells me things that make me melt, and kinda feel bad-like the fact that when he's gone, he's going to be missing me just as much as I'll be missing him.

In him, I have everything I've ever wanted in a guy. The way he treats me and my son is incredible. He loves me to no end and has no issue expressing it. All I have to do is accept that my chocolate bicycle won't always be here next to me.

So I started a tradition and made him something to take with him when he left to record his album. I listen to his music when I miss him, or wear one of his band tees around. I give away promo CDs to people who ask questions, and tell them what an amazing group this is. We text, we talk. He sends pictures of the awesome things he's seeing, explains the process of recording and does random little things to make me melt, a thousand miles away. I live my life, take my son camping, go turbo on getting some work done. And what do you know, it's surprisingly easy. I become un-opposed to it; I'm learning to appreciate it.

In this way, this relationship is exactly what I need. I know I'm not done growing yet...but I also know I love this person in a way I can't even begin to comprehend sometimes. The more he's away from me equals the more successful he is, professionally speaking. And quite frankly, I am so happy and proud to be the girl holding down the fort for him when he comes back!