Getting it out

When did life get so complicated?

 Of course, I've been walking around with my head in the clouds for the past month or so, but whoa. I came down to take a look around, and now all I want to do is stick my head back up there!

It's time for me to take care of me. There has to be some balance here, because the way things are blowing up is insane.

What's going on in my life: I put an offer in on a mobile home that I will most likely be embarrassed to live in, until I fix it up. Yep. This is my dream place right now since it is close to my sons school, the thruway and will allow me to have my dog for less than I'd be paying in rent. Plus it has a completely functional retro '60's era stove and DOUBLE OVEN! Hello, dream kitchen! Plus a yard, even if it is small. All of the things it needs done I could do myself with little help from the males I know, and-bonus-after I worked out a budget, it's possible to have everything done (including new siding) by June of 2013. And it will be mine :)

As such, I'm looking for a second job to do while my son's in school this year. Only because I dropped the hair job last year in January, and by March I was going bananas trying to figure out something to do. With the extra income I could make from working some menial job during school hours, I could pay my car payment and do one major repair to my mobile home a month. Plus I will have less time to sit around and think about whatever it is I think about (ok, mostly play on the internet) and I will be meeting new people and having interaction... which I need to make me happy. (Inalienable truth about myself, right there. Interacting with people makes me happy.)

Oh yeah, I'd have to pull a down payment out of my butt as well. Good times! So, trying to pick up as many shifts as I can now, basically.

On top of moving, not knowing where I'm going for sure, trying to amass a sum of money bigger than first months rent + security deposit and looking for part time work....

Well, I feel like the ground is moving underneath my feet, for sure. I've always ran with it, but I'm trying to make better decisions for mine and my son's sake. He's watching me and learning behaviors that he will carry on into his life, and I'm trying so hard to make sure that I'm setting a great example. He's been with me for the past 12 days and it's been heaven! We've camped, gone to the water park a billion times, hiked, biked... but I'm also realizing how my new life without a built in babysitter will be so different. So I'm trying to reconcile that, as well.

It feels like everything is so unstable and I just keep trying to hold on to whatever I can get a grip on long enough to think I'm making a difference, or even that I have any say. I'm forgetting that in a lot of these cases, I'm up to someone else's whims and decisions. The mobile home is contingent upon a lot of things, and I've done as much as I could at this time. Job hunting is going fine, but it's hard when you have your kid with you. Most likely, my Wednesday will be dedicated to finding part time work so I can have some fluidity in my budget. And that breaks my heart to say I'm waiting for my son to go to his dads, but I've spent every waking minute (less my 6 hour work shifts) with him making memories and doing things, being fully present. As much as I love it, I'm not taking care of things that I need to take care of so that I can take better care of him. Enter working Mommy guilt, stage left.

When this happens-when all the parts of my life converge to form a tidal wave that feels like I need to be pulled under-I over think the things that are going fine. In my need to try to have a handle on anything, I'll reassess everything. I almost think it's my escape at this point. It's dysfunctional, and my energies would be so much better spent doing other things-like cleaning out my junk, selling what I don't need, donating what can't be sold. I am forever bad at facing my problems head on. I'm also 28. Time to effing learn!

This too shall pass, right?