The Bachelorette

Dear MLK Jr.,

Thank you for giving my son's school a reason to close for a day so that I might have the following stimulating conversations with his half-sister:

Me: "Whatcha doin'?"

A: "Missing someone..."

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Is it your mom?"

A: "No, it's my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other since last weekend,"

Me: "You're 11. Does your dad know you have a boyfriend?"

A: "Yeah. He asked why. I told him I didn't want to end up alone like him. Or you, for that matter."

Conversation Points Total: A=1 point. Me=0.

A: "Wait-you have a boyfriend, right?"

Me: "That's not the point, whether I do or don't, I don't need a boyfriend. And I'm 28,"

A: "Do you think you'll want to live alone forever?"

Me: "First off, I'm not alone, I have your brother, M, and Charlie the Dog. I'm never alone. And second, I just figured out how to adjust the heat settings on my hot water heater. With or without a man, I will be just fine. Every woman, girl, lady...should feel this way! I don't need a man..."

A: "You didn't answer the question,"

Me: "I like companionship. I like having someone to talk to, to learn about, to think with. Do you do those things with your boyfriend?"

A: "No. We mostly play Pokemon."

Me: "So, he's more or less just a friend,"

A: "NO! We're gonna get married when we're 18. We've talked about this. I'm as good as engaged."

Me: "What if there's someone better for you?"

A: "If you think like that, you'll be alone forever. Maybe that's why you're not married?"

And because it's not nice to tell an 11 year old to eff off, she wins another conversation point.

A: "When do you think it's ok for me to kiss my boyfriend?"

Me: "When you're 25. I'm pretty sure that's what your dad would like me to say here,"

A: "But you're a GIRL. I need GIRL advice!"

Me: Sigh. Look out window. Contemplate running away from home. "Uh...you might want to talk this over with your dad. I know I didn't get my first kiss until I was Thir...I mean, Sixteen."

A: "But that's years away!"

Me: "Right?" Exactly. Score 1 for El Cyd-O.

And then finally, because I felt like she was missing a very important link here....

Me: "I used to think I needed a man. I grew up seeing my parents divorce and then remarry. I missed the family structure and wanted to have the perfect family for my children. When your dad and I split, it was devastating-for all of us. Neither of us wanted to do that, but it had to be done. After that, you know-he had girlfriends. I got married. I'm sure he was happy with the girls for a while, and I know that the day I got married was the happiest day of my life (besides the day I had your brother, obviously). I thought I needed a man, just like I'm sure your dad thought he needed a woman. Eventually, he broke up with his girlfriends; I ended up getting a divorce, and that brought on a whole other slew of issues that I had to deal with. For the past three years, I have been learning how to do things without needing a man, and let me tell you: it's so much better. I know that I can do things on my own and be okay. Every person needs to know that. I know I can pay my bills by myself, take care of my family on my own. Those are lessons you can't learn if you constantly have someone by your side. Having someone to share your life with is secondary. You need to love yourself first,"

A: "So...you don't need a man?"

Me: "Nope. I'm good. I have a tool box, even."

A: pauses. "What man is ever gonna want a woman who is more of a man than he is?"

Martin Luther King, JR... I have a dream. I have a dream that girls don't grow up thinking that your life isn't complete unless you are a wife. I have a dream where it is still acceptable for women to want to fulfill your natural gender roles (Become a wife, mother...a homemaker, if they so choose), but understand that if your life does not follow that path, you will not perish. I want to live in a world that accepts that it's ok for a woman to be alone; one that understands that the worst kind of "Alone" happens when you are in a room full of the wrong people. No, we do not have to abolish marriage or bash the happily married, but we need to be accepting of the Chosen Single-the Bachelorette. Nothing is wrong with us. It's just a different path.

And when someone accomplishes this, hopefully their children will have a day off of school, too. I dare say that this is just as important. It is, after all, another form of equality.

With Gratitude,
Cydney