DOA

I'm gonna miss the facial expressions I could read across the room. The eyes and how they looked at me. I'm going to miss the 3am dinners and someone who was on my sleep schedule. I'm going to not know what to do without having someone with back up cords available! Or who understands my speaker stand snafus...I'm going to miss hiking waterfalls and making up words together, or how he said I was the most beautiful with my hair loose in air dried waves and no make up. I'm gonna miss his hands, the way they fit mine.

I'm gonna miss how he talked to my dog, how he played with my kid. How he could go into any situation with me and make it comfortable. ..

I didn't think I'd be unlocking only the bottom handle of my door when I got home-alone. It dawned on me he still has my keys...my spares to my apartment and car. Oh God...who's gonna keep my spares? Because for the first time in...who knows how long...

Cydney is truly alone. Single. Without a willing man-friend.

Because love dissipates in a 12 hour span. It can disappear! Poof!

It doesn't make sense anymore. None of it does.

I can't throw any more "nice" at the situation. I did it. I stayed true. These decisions, these actions, they're not mine. I'm left with a heap of emotions accrued over a seven month period of time. I get to sort them, try and figure out what was real and imagined, what I'll do differently next time.

I hope his band makes it big. I hope it more than makes up for the fact that my Lemme just asked me to Let him go. And because I love him, and to love means to release...

 I'm letting him go.

I'm gonna cry tonight, just for a minute. Because I feel like I should, like an obligation...
...even though I looked at him last night, and he no longer felt like home.
I'm gonna wake up tomorrow morning and change my sheets. Establish a new routine. Eat lunch with my sister and my son-thank God I have them. I'm gonna think about the friends I met through the bass player and how they invited me over at 1:30am for drinks and laughter tonight when they heard the news. I'm going to thank God for the positive, and I'm going to let go. I'll think of all the time I have now. I'll go on dates and laugh at unfunny jokes and wonder why the person I  could see myself growing old with decided he didn't want me anymore.

"thank you for being with me while I got on my feet,"

"Thank you for letting me be. Now don't let this knock you off of them,"

...and because he always gave great advise...I'm gonna follow it, just this one last time...