We've been together for a short time now, and I've developed this stupid infection in my leg. It's super painful and kinda gross. For the first time in my life yesterday, someone other than a parent came with me to the doctors. He laughed when I couldn't stop laughing (It's my nervous tick) and asked valid questions about what was going on within me. And most importantly, he demanded that I go and take care of this, held my hand and dealt with me takling excessively and let me pick my nail polish off when he knew my nerves were shot.
This is the guy who's been monitoring the death leg with me; who asks me if I remembered my antibiotics and wouldn't let me get up after sitting down because he knew I was hurting. When I feel like a wimp he tells me I'm a champ and that my pain threshold must be really high, because my leg looks insanely painful. And he brought me a slice of graham cracker cake while encouraging me to let the pain meds do what little they do for me (make me pass the eff out).
I come from a family of people who help. We don't ask for it. Somewhere around 2:30 am, I learned to let go and let Kevin. I've since been trying to identify exactly what is so terrifying about letting someone care for you-and I think I've got it.
If I admit I am not all-powerful, I let a little bit of the strong wall down. My defense shield has to be weakened for anyone to come in. This is absolutely mortifying because I'm admitting I can't do it on my own, that I want to have someone near me to help me through something. What happens if that person changes their mind? What happens if the hole I drill in my protective shell collapses the whole thing and I just become needy and reliant on someone to help me through some thing? Other than a ride home from a hospital, I've never wanted anyone to hold my hand. My response to pain is to push everyone out and deal with it alone. I don't want anyone to see me cry or admit that something is out of my control. I'm too type A for that!
Last night, it felt so nice. Just to have someone empathize with me, talk over what the doctor said, make a plan of action if this gets worse. Some people are put in your life to help you grow. When you have someone you can trust fully, letting your guard down to them is natural. I have no doubt that this man would hold my hand through hell and back, and I'm so very blessed.
So I'll find a happy medium, with the understanding that he's a helper, too. And I'll keep it in check and not become needy, nor focus on the negative. I will be appreciative and thankful that such an amazing person has entered my life and I will vow that when the time comes, I will return the favor. I'm choosing to get out of my own damn way and let myself be fully loved by an incredible person. What an awesome feeling that is!
(And, if I haven't said it enough, Love-Thank You. Grace.)
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| by the way...he's also an amazingly talented bass player and a part time Ninja <3 |
There's a difference between wanting someone to care for you, or even just enjoying when someone cares for you... and not being able to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteSometimes people do become weak and dependent, but you seem MUCH too self-aware to let that happen. I think you'll be just fine.
And hopefully your leg will be just fine soon, too!!! That sounds like a mess. Best wishes for smart doctors and a smooth recovery.