On my travels through the interwebs the other day, I stumbled across a very interesting article about children of single mothers who grew up to be inspirational people and great leaders. The list named Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Tom Cruise, Maya Angelou and Barack Obama-identifying these people as individuals who "overcame" the inherent disadvantages of growing up in a single parent household and managed to become great people of influence.
Not gonna lie, I was encouraged. A decision that I struggled with for most of my adult (and mothering) life has been if I am doing my son any disservice by not being with his father or, at the very least, married and committed. As he's getting older, I'm realizing that I no longer have much of a choice in the matter. Even if I were to marry the man of my son's dreams *today*, it's doubtful that my son would be willing to accept someone as a father figure, or that I'd want him to. As strange as it sounds, I've accepted that by the time I am ready to make a serious commitment to a man my son will most likely be too old to want to pretend.
In fact, since I've started dating someone whom my son feels is a serious contender, he has gotten a little bit more possessive of me. He's expressed his fear that a man in my life will take away some of the attention that I could dedicate solely to him, or that in some ways a boyfriend would interfere in mine and my son's relationship. Of course none of this would ever be allowed to happen and I've done my best to assuage his worries, but it made me think...
I get so busy patting myself on the back for having a great child that I miss the real issues. Reading that article struck a chord in me: are these children of single mothers primed by the virtues of nurturing to become leaders, or are they shaped into leaders out of necessity?
Especially having a son, I feel as though sometimes his fears regarding a relationship I might have with a man might be more centered around a fear that he might lose his position in our home structure. Right now, it's almost as if he sees himself as the man of the house. He constantly tries to help me and make my life easier by carrying grocery bags and being incredibly understanding about my work. In many ways he has taken the initiative to help out-so much so that it is extremely hard to determine a chore list for him, since he does so much already. I'm wondering if these survival skills that he's acquired out of necessity or if they were traits that were already present and have been brought to the surface by our current situation?
In truth, there's no way to conduct a study about the performance of one child based on their family structure because it would be impossible to have two of the exact same children (the control) and put them into different family arrangements (variables), then measure the outcome. I'd like to think that it's a little bit of having a child who is born capable of greatness and a parent who encourages and nurtures that potential into the child's personal growth.
I don't think I'd be half of the Mom I am now if I weren't single. For one, he has my full attention while he's with me. Besides work, there is not one activity him and I do that's not meant to be enriching or insanely fun to him. Sometimes it seems like so much is riding on me to make my child's life the best and to downplay the potential for disaster, but other times I am proud that he has been with me through my own experiences, and I'm hopeful that he has taken lessons from them that he will apply in his own future.
As the President of the United States. Who's studied both Law and Medicine as a double major. In Harvard. And who's also an inspirational writer. Just sayin'.... ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment