What's Your Number?

Many many (manymany) moons ago, a good friend and I were discussing the number of people we've slept with. Probably because one of our boyfriends had asked, and-well, let's face it, nobody likes to disclose that information. This particular friend was concerned that her number was shockingly high as it had recently hit the double digit mark. Jokingly, we started thinking of the random reasons that we had heard given that disqualified a past lover from "counting"...or being a notch in your lipstick case, if you will. Hilarity ensued, and I'm sure it had no impact on what she told her boyfriend or what I told mine (which, by the way, I never tell. The only people who know are me and my gyno).

In any event, the other night whilst inhaling some quality second hand smoke outside of a bar, a couple of girls started the discussion about their numbers. A guy chimed in and said he was in the triple digits(!). I asked if his penis had fallen off yet and was thus reassured when he said he was diligent in being tested every six months. I started remembering some of the finer points of when you can cross someone off of your list, and he stood there in amazement. By the time we finished, his number was two, and he was begging me to send him the New Rules of How Many People Have You Slept With.

Now, this is not to condone being a total slut or man whore. Eew. I'm a big fan of going with your gut and determining if you are going home with an absolute wreck. If for no other reason, ever hear of the indirect sexual partner online calculator? Yeah, hope you have time or less than ten sexual partners for that one!

But I digress. I know this must make me look like the most sexually loose person ever, but understand this is meant in absolute fun. So, with that being said....

Ladies and Gentlemen, whores of all ages, I hereby present to you...

The New Rules of How Many People Have You Slept With

They don't count if:

1: You have slept with them less than three times. We call this the Mistake Clause.

2: You slept with them for research. IE: You wondered what they were packing, and then once their pants were off...

3: They were a Wing Man/Wing Woman Incidental. You took the ultimate sacrifice by taking one for the team, and we shall not hold that against you.

4: The person was initially a love interest of your friend but was interested in you, and your friend, accepting this fact, said, "Please!!! Do it and tell me every detail so that I may live vicariously through you!" That's just being a good friend.

5: You were on vacation.

6: They were on vacation.

7: Job related. Yes, it's broad. No, it should never happen. But if it does? You get a free pass on that one.

8: Under the influence of decision inhibiting something or anothers.

9: You can't/don't remember. Either it's been a long time, or they just didn't matter.

10: You would never recognize this person again. Seriously. It's strange, but it happens... I guess.

11: Three letter relationships: FWB, NSA...

12: They don't know your middle name.

13: Never took them to meet the parents.

14: Wasn't involved sexually during any gift giving holiday or occasion.

15: "We took the friendship too far"... Yes, friends that sleep together but decide it won't work? Never happened. We back you up.

16: You still want to be friends with the person, but not intimate. If you are both in 100% agreement of this fact, you can reg neg all past sexual activity. Because we know you're new girl/boyfriend would go batshit crazy if they knew. However, please note that you are allowed ABSOLUTELY NO SLIP UPS! Should a slip up occur, you must come clean to all parties and do penance of a year's time in an awkward and bad relationship wherefore both parties are equally reminded of why it never worked in the first place. After said year has been completed in full, both parties are hereby summoned to reassess the situation and negotiate a clearly defined plan for the future. Should both parties in total agreement move forward with a purely platonic relationship, they must disclose to all future lovers that a relationship complete with slip up did occur for a period of no less than five and no more than ten years after the completion of the fulfillment of the time sentenced (also known as the "Punishment Year".)

17: Someone in your place of effery (roommate, parents...) prohibited your sexual activity by limiting the amount of noise that could be made, the location of fornication and et cetra.

18: Can't tell you what color their eyes are...

19: Never caught their last name...

20: Never reached completion...

22: Stress relief/Stressful Situation sex.

21: and of course, as it shouldn't even have to be said: Any horrible, deplorable and forced act that occurred where you were the victim. This absolutely does not count by any one's standards. You are hereby granted permission to forget and move on.

Of course, there are exceptions. If a child was produced, even if several of the aforementioned points were applicable, that person counts. For the rest of your life. Because you now have a child with them.

Sex is real and it's getting scarier. There are more diseases swimming around today than there were fifty years ago, and some of them can't be cured by any amount of pills. Add to that the new research finding that sexually transmitted infections can lead to cancer, and it's time to get serious. Wrap it up or better yet, be very particular about whom you enter into a sexual relationship with.Yes, the list above is meant in jest-it's the best excuses I've ever heard as to why someone doesn't count all compiled onto one list. In reality, every one counts.

So lets keep those flys zipped, shall we?