Bar Rules

Before I begin this post, I would like to take a minute to discuss my credentials on this matter. Since the age of seventeen (err, I mean, 24!), I have been involved in the bar business with very little interruption. I have worked as a bartender, manager, waitress, cook, and disc jockey, so honestly it feels like I’ve held every single job there is in that environment. Ten years has taught me an obscene amount of lessons regarding that industry, but today I’d like to share some helpful hints and words of advice for all of the patrons that I have loved watching for every minute of my time spent inside a bar J Without further ado….

Bar Rules

The things your bar staff *wants* you to know. Because we’re laughing at you or giving you a non-flattering nickname if you do any of these things. And when you combine them, it makes our heads explode.

1.      Do NOT Wear a Dress (or skirt) to a Bar. Ok, ladies. Ima start this one off looking at you. You’re wearing a sundress that is adorable! Seriously-I want it! I’m probably going to ask you wear you got it! But then I’m going to think in my head that no self-respecting female wears a dress or skirt to a bar.

The Logic: Bars are full of drunken men. Men are horny when they’re sober. When they’re drunk, they are just loud and more forward about it-sometimes to the point of harassment. If you are looking to get laid, and you don’t care by whom, by all means, wear a dress/skirt. If you’re not then you, my sundress friend, are false advertising. It’s not a jealousy issue-it’s a “We-don’t-want-to-have-to-call-the-bouncer-over-twenty-five- times-a-night-to-stop-drunk-ass-Fred-from-teetering-over-the-edge-of-sexual-harassment-into-sexual-assult-just-because-his-man-brain-can’t-handle-a-girl-in-a-dress.” Really. We are trying to look out for you here because you are wearing an item of clothing with maximum ease of access to a bar. This isn’t even counting if you get sloshed and fall over. There’s just no self-respect left for you there!

The Exception: You are wearing a long dress/skirt. Somehow, the absence of visible leg makes all the difference. Also, you’re coming from a wedding or event with a bunch of girls (five or more) also dressed in a similar fashion. Gazelles in a herd aren’t nearly as bad as the two sloppy drunk chicks in the corner. Lastly, if you’re looking to get…well…laid. I’m sorry, it shouldn’t be this way, but it is. And now you know.

2.      To The Bottle Tippers: Hi! Oh, you’ve finished your frosty brew? You would like another, you say? Why, yes Sir! I’d love to help you with that. Just let me finish mixing this vodka pineapple cranberry orange juice with a splash of seven up and who the hell gives a crap and I’ll be right over ther…WHAT?!?!?! YOU JUST TIPPED YOUR BOTTLE OVER ON THE BAR?!!?! Now I’m going to make you wait. Forever. Because you’re obnoxious and rude.

The Logic: There is none. I think you were raised in a barn or under a rock. Maybe you think the sound alerted us to your need? Counterproductive, my friend. I know of not one single bartender who likes this sound. It’s insulting.

The Exception: I don’t think I’ve found one yet. If you would like another beverage, the appropriate behavior is to push your empty forward on the bar with label towards the bartender (if applicable) and money for a replacement beverage under the empty. I guarantee you, if you do this 100% of the time and accompany this with a reasonable tip, you will be well taken care of. If you’re an ass clown about needing a refill, though, we’re gonna take care of the good patrons first. We reward good behavior because the tip system does, too! And servers minimum wage is not going to cover anything.

3.      To the Yellers, the Shouters: Ah, you would like our attention. You call my name over the bar just to get me to walk down there so you can either (a) express an opinion I most likely will find no use for; (b) demonstrate to your friends/date/new drinking buddy exactly how much clout you have in this establishment; or (c) Tell me you need a drink.

The Logic: If you’re loud, I’ll notice you. Which is accurate. But I will probably pay attention long enough to determine (a) if I want to talk about whichever topic you absolutely must unload from your brain; (b) If your tip is going to give me reason to treat you with the clout you think you’re worth of; or (c) Get you your drink or shut you off. Because you’re shouting and being obnoxious.

The Exception: You’ve spilled your drink and clean-up is imminently necessary. Your buddy fell off his barstool and is bleeding from the head region. The two dudes in the corner all but whipping out their junk to have a pissing contest have actually started throwing blows. Fire. Woman giving birth in the bathroom… These kinds of things. Yes. Please shout! Otherwise, a simple calling my name or “bartender” will do.

4.      To the Woo-Hoo Girls: You know them. They’re celebrating everything every time no matter the size of significance or achievement with superfluous “Woo-Hoo”-ing!

The Logic: Again, when I know, you will. Cry for attention? Rallying sound? Who knows. All I know is it’s awesome. It brings a certain excitement to the joint, and while it might bother others, I for one am ok with this. I like it when people enjoy themselves!

The Exception: You’re too loud and disruptive to others. When we’re in an establishment not of the “Woo-Hoo” variety. When you become invasive with your sound. Then I have to get you to stop.

5.      No, You May Not Bring Your Dog In the Bar. Oh my gosh, you’d think this would be a given, but it’s soooo not. I am glad that Fido is your best buddy. But can he be your best drinking buddy? Noooo! That’s what drunk ass Fred over there is for! Please, don’t bring your dog/cats/snakes/gerbils/gorillas or any other pet, either pocket sized or miniature horse sized, into the bar.

The Logic: Most bars serve food. This is a major violation of the health code. People have allergies, too. And fears. If you chase out half of my bar with your python, I’m not going to care that he’s “ticklish if you rub your finger right there!” I’m going to tell you what an ass hat you’re being to your pet and to bring them home and come back. Not to your car… that’s just mean. Home. Or wherever the hell you came from.

The Exception: Service animals. That’s it. I don’t care if it’s a super cute puppy you just picked up. Stand outside the bar with it and we’ll come visit if we’re into that kind of thing. If you need your dog to see/detect seizures, whatever…and it’s a registered service dog…that’s the only exception. And no, they don’t make service tarantulas yet, so get that damn spider out of my bar before I call the bouncer to smash that scary bitch into eight still wiggling pieces.

Alright, that’s enough for now. This post is getting too long. I can think of at least seventeen others, but five is good for right now. Do you have a bar pet peeve?