The Pit

"Fear has its use, but cowardice has none..."  -Mahatma Ghandi

Alright. Let's get real. This post is going to feel like a wool sweater to me...but I have to get it out of my head and pour some things out of my heart. It's necessary. I can't go on any other way...

When I was 16, I joined a community theater project. I was the youngest cast member and it was so exciting to me, and it couldn't have come at a better time. Throughout my teenage years, I struggled with depression and self esteem issues and with this, I felt validated that I was good-truly good-at something. It was an outlet that introduced me to some wonderful people who helped me find Cydney. The show was mostly a comedy except for this one sad song nestled in the middle. As a cast, we struggled with it until the director (who was also writing the script) told us one rehearsal that truly funny people often struggle internally with the darker subjects in life. These words have helped me so many times during my journey. It's ok to feel the harder feelings... it helps you appreciate the good ones.

I don't know what did it this time. The last time I felt like this I was going through the beggining of my divorce. While at the doctors office for some complaint or another (turns out depression can make you physically hurt) the doctor asked about my husband and I lost it. Tears everywhere. I'm pretty sure it took her all of five seconds to diagnose me as depressed and write the script for an anti-depressant. I stayed on that for a solid six months or so while I worked through my feelings and issues (which took about half of that time, but anyone who's ever been on these medicines will tell you that the side affects and weening take much longer than you anticipate). This was 2010.

I've made it three solid years. I'm patting myself on the back.


Things are good this time, which is what is scaring me. M is well, getting good grades, healthy and making progress (so...postpartum depression, eight years after?). My business is running solid and smoothly. Money isn't so tight and goals are being met. My family is well. My relationship is the most healthy, stable one I've been involved in quite possibly ever. Seriously. Things are really well!

I have no idea why I feel like this. I recognize that I'm just looking for things to be distraught about. I'm taking positive things in my life and trying to find the bad side to them, which is the opposite of what I usually do. So really, I'm at a loss. A friend suggested the moon cycle, which I suppose isn't that outlandish... but I'm sad. Deeply. Like, could sleep for days, don't want to go outside, having trouble singing,  s.a.d. sad.

I'm missing people whom I've lost touch with. Starting in January, it felt like there's this campaign to make me realize I'm a terrible person. It's even different groups of people. After a while, you start wondering if they're right. I'm feeling like I've been run through the gutter with all of the stuff that's been posted about me online... that there are people out there who have never met me but truly believe that I'm a horrible person, or maybe they have met me and I'm now the scape goat for why their life fell apart (I cannot be that powerful. I refuse to accept that I am that powerful.) It's even more scary to me that there are people who I've tried desperately to be nice to who have said mean and hurtful things about me and-here's the real kicker-my child.

Going to funerals has made me think about things in a different way, and I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye and thank you to people who deserved my gratitude-I just didn't make it in time. I'm terrified that I'm going to start losing more people, even though I know it's inevitable and that's just how life goes. I'm scared to get close to them, though, because it will hurt more. Wait, I'm not sure if it will. Either way, I wish I could tell people to not die until I'm ready for them to go. Which would be never. That's not selfish, Cyd...

Your blog is nowhere to discuss your medical issues, but I will say this: I have every reason to be grateful. Two weeks ago, I was terrified. Alas, I am well.

And I get it. I truly do. I need to stop caring about what people think of me. But I listen because I feel like maybe there's constructive feedback nestled in there somewhere. I would love to be the best me possible and to make myself better. This isn't it, though. People are starting to notice that something is wrong.

Maybe I'm just grappling with change. Six months ago, I never would have thought this would be my life. While most (if not all) of these changes have been positive, maybe I'm just trying to get my feet under me again...

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give my dog a bath. I'm going to take a cat nap before I pack up for the weekend. I'm going to go surround myself for the next four days with people who make my world a much better place. I'm going to church tomorrow morning-I don't even care where. Maybe I'll try and convince my friend of male gender to go to the Red  Wings game tomorrow. I'm going to do my shows to perfection and not let anyone see past my makeup. And Monday, I'm going to help throw the best Memorial Day Party ever! (it's a big deal-we're getting our people together!!)
  
 And if I still feel like this on Tuesday, I'm calling the doctor.


Thank you for reading this. <3.

PS... To my friend, who sat on a bench and held me while I spilled my guts: I love you dearly, and I'm sorry for giving you this secret. It's more than one person deserves to have placed on their shoulders... please, don't feel like you have to keep it anymore. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. For listening, for understanding, for encouraging... you mean more to me than you'll ever know. <3