Everything Changes

Whoa.

If you had told me two months ago that I'd get a job at a church and then, within two weeks, every single aspect of my life would change, I'd think you were out of your mind.

But I did. And it has. I'm not sure I know why, but... here I am.

It's been a hell of a month. From leaving everything I had behind with just a laundry basket full of my son's and my clothes, to being homeless (Thank you, sister and friends, for opening your homes), losing my car, starting a court case, barely seeing my son... it's been a roller coaster.

But what goes down also comes back up. I got my things back. My sister and her husband have loaned me their car and are helping me get another one. My job at the church has remained intact, and has been a good source of support (as well as income). I ended up with the better part of all my belongings. This past Sunday, we moved into an apartment. My son is safe with me, in his room (Which is almost back to normal and would be if I could get him to discard basically anything). Now, it's cars, and then I'm back to square one.

I was making out my calendar today and it stopped me in my tracks. I don't have plans for June. for July. For anything past this weekend, really. I couldn't make plans. The only plan I had was to be his girlfriend, my son's mom, his son's "Maybe-someday-future-stepmom". We were going to go out for our two year anniversary. We would be vacationing in Vermont in August. I'd work the 4th of July with him at the bar. Passes to the beach, the water park... Those were my plans. Two kids, two dogs, keeping up our household and cooking for our family.

It's all gone now.

There's a loss here. And I feel guilty for feeling it because there's been so much given to me, and so many people have helped me. I want to make them proud. And grieving for this huge, immeasurable loss... seems ungrateful. But it's so hard for me to look at my calendar and try to put plans together. I'm assuming my son and I will camp. That maybe we'll skip the family vacation this year, but not next. Definitely not next.

I'm sad that there's nobody to make plans with. To daydream, and compare notes. I mean, there's M. But he'd fly us to Thailand if he had the choice, which... just, no. I loved having someone to share my life with. An adult to talk to. To adventure with, make memories with. My person, the one who was supposed to be in the rocking chair next to me during the sunset years of our lives, is gone. There's no chair. There'll be no more memories. At least not with the person I thought would be in that chair next to me.

I guess I make the plans now...