The Spider Apocalypse Theorem (Part One)

I have no idea why people are so concerned about the zombie apocalypse. I mean, sure, they are terrifying…but on any given day, I encounter plenty of humans that seem more than willing to eat my brain… or at least that’s what it feels like, anyway. News flash: zombies *aren’t real*. Seriously. And all of the movies in the world about them still won’t make them real.

            People, there are far more terrifying things to be scared of. Like, for instance…Spiders. Spiders are creepy effers, man. I am here to tell you that we need to forget about the zombies and focus on something far more real and terrifying: The Imminent Threat of a Spider Apocalypse. And yes, those capital letters are supposed to be there. Because this shit is real, and it is scary. Below, I have detailed the exact reasons why this event is not only realistic, but probable. We shall call it the Spider Apocalypse Theorem. Part One. Just in case I find out more and can make a part two at some point in my life. This is so that we may, as a human community, educate ourselves on the impending threat. Remember. You heard it from me first. Because I care!

            SAT Article One: There are more spiders than humans on this planet. According to research on the interwebs (thank you, Google) spiders are currently the seventh largest populations on Earth. That’s right. Fuckers are everywhere. Except Antarctica. So when this whole apocalypse thing starts, that’s where I’m going.

            SAT Article Two: The big ones aren’t as deadly as the little ones. Which is absolutely mortifying, if you think of it. Larger spiders are disgusting and scary looking, but mostly harmless… and the little ones, which you cannot see, which are probably hiding in every nook and cranny of this very dangerous planet, can kill you. See? That’s creepy. Consider also that you sleep-swallow (on average) seven of these buggers a year! And they’re probably not the bigger ones. You’d wake up for that.

            SAT Article Three: Spiders are evolutionary research proof. Scientists know that they’ve been around for over 300 million years, but cannot find any evolutionary evidence. Because spiders are stealth. And magic. (For future reference, anything that cannot be explained by using rudimentary science or logical thinking is hereby deemed “magic” to me. And now to you, too.) So as far back as 300 million years ago, Spiders be all like, “haha, you can’t find me! I’m the original-and sometimes deadly-Where’s Waldo! Bitchessss!”

            SAT Article Four: Spiders are very good at adapting to new environments and do not need to eat much to live. You can run all you want, but apparently, the minute one of these eight legged jerkfaces make it to Antarctica, they’ll probably figure out how to survive there, too.

            SAT Article Five: Spiders have four sets of legs, totaling eight legs in all. One of my friends once argued that a spider apocalypse could not happen since spiders do not have opposable thumbs. I’d like to present evidence that they could overtake the human population by sheer force by numbers alone. But if the whole opposable thumbs thing really became an issue, I’m sure they could just use a couple legs and get whatever job done. Remember, they adapt. Besides, most of us will be too busy running and screaming away from them to really care how they picked up that gun, anyways.

            At this point, you are either thinking that I am a very crazy person who needs to take her meds or that I am in fact the most intelligent human being that ever roamed the planet, being that I cracked this code. To all you people thinking the first point, you’re wrong. I took my meds and they work just fine, thank you. The latter group of readers is definitely on to something, though. To further my point, most sane people will argue that spiders are relatively easy to kill-just suck them up with a vacuum! But even that is not completely effective. Sure, it might pull out a couple of legs, but when you’re being attacked in the middle of the night by the spider apocalypse, are you gonna really have time to make a dash for the Dyson? Probably not. Most people hide those things in a closet somewhere, not by their night stand. (And the people with them by their night stands? They’ve either killed all of the spiders or are into some seriously kinky stuff, and might get off on being eaten by a bazillion spiders.)

            I’ve never understood peoples inherent need to create monsters in their heads (ie: zombies) and project them outward so that the rest of humanity be thusly inflicted. In this world that we live in there are far more *real* things to be terrified of.  As I’m wrapping this up (and hereby giving arachnophobes everywhere a piece of writing that validates their fears), my seven year old throws his two cents into the ring: “Mom-aren’t there more ants than spiders?”

            I’m sure his teacher will be thrilled with my parenting skills when he writes a paper on the ant apocalypse tomorrow…

(If you would like to know more about our eight legged future foes, everything I ever needed to know to write this piece can be found here: http://www.spidersworlds.com/ . There’s probably a lot more info on that site than I could ever relay, but at this juncture in my life, scrolling past the pictures at the top of the screen took more self-control than I usually exercise in an entire week.)